Did anybody ever see Die Hard 3? Basically, in the movie, an evil European terrorist is mad at good ol’ “kill everything that looks at him cross eyed John McClain” for throwing his goofy talking brother off the top of a really tall building. So he makes McClain do humiliating shit for his own personal amusement. In one scene, he makes Mclain to go into Harlem with a very interesting sign.
While it’s true that Mclain may be good with a gun, I find that his offensive sign was less than ideal craftsmanship. He could have put some thought in it you know? Maybe a nice Klan hat with a little rope hanging off the end of it.
Anyway, after hanging out in Harlem for a couple of minutes, a racist with a heart of gold [Samuel L Jackson] sees the sign and decides he will warn our hero that wearing a sign that says “I hate niggers” in Harlem is probably a bad idea….A really bad idea.
Well, the next thing you know our hero and our racist are approached by a group of these dudes.
After a few minutes of threats and a broken beer bottle over the head, our favorite cop McClain is saved by the racist and goes on to spend another hour and twenty minutes killing Europeans instead of the black people who threatened him with knives. [Doesn't sound like a real life cop to me- letting black people who threatened him live but hey, it's a movie]
Was McClain doing anything wrong? Well no. Not really. Anything illegal? Certainly not! Was he doing anything he deserved to die over? No fucking way! Yet, here some people were about to kill him for wearing a sign in Harlem that said “I hate niggers,” even though he wasn’t actually doing anything wrong or illegal, just because they thought they could and that they were justified. Fancy that.
So what’s the moral of the story?
Don’t wear a sign in Harlem that says “I hate niggers” and chances are you won’t die.
Now let me introduce you to Lindsey.
Lindsey up there thought it would be a good idea to go out to a nightclub without any money while wearing a slutty dress. While there, she let a bunch of Mexicans in cowboy hats and cheap suits with hundred dollar bills buy her drinks all night, while flirting with them and cock teasing them. Lindsey knows she is hot, and also knows that all of the Mexicans buying her drinks aren’t guys she is going to bring home to Mom and Dad. Yet, our friend Lindsey up there still flirts and dances and rubs all over them, and degrades herself, and acts like a total fucking slut just to get some free drinks.
Now let me introduce you to Paco. Do you like what you see Paco?
Paco, who is a member of MS-13 and an illegal immigrant, decides to ask Lindsey if she wants a ride home. Lindsey says “UHHH, Nooo! Gross!”
This pisses Paco off. He then slips a nice drug into Lindsey’s drink. Lindsey wakes up in a bath full of ice with one kidney missing. She also has vomit down her slutty dress, a broken arm, two black eyes, two missing teeth, and the taste of dirty Mexican penis in her mouth.
That’s right…Lindsey spent the night getting beaten and gang raped by Mexican hooligans who, just to add insult to injury, also took one of her kidneys. Fucking Mexicans!
So what the fuck is my point here?
Well, Lindsey wasn’t doing anything wrong. She didn’t “ask for it” in other words. She wasn’t doing anything illegal, or harmful, or even evil. Yet, much like Mclain, she was targeted anyway. You see, Lindsey wasn’t just the victim of gang rape. Lindsey was also the victim of something called D.S.S., or Dumb Slut Syndrome. When Lindsey decided it was a good idea to go into a place where her judgment would be impaired while wearing almost nothing in a group of strange men she does not know who are only there to fuck women, she was actually set upon by her severe D.S.S. and had no choice.
D.S.S. is no laughing matter. Men make fun of women who are raped because of this disorder all the time and it’s cruel. Sure, it’s true that the logical man brain has extreme trouble finding sympathy in their hearts for sufferers of D.S.S., yet it is a scientifically proven disease that affects millions of women in all age brackets across the United States. Let me try to break this down for men so they have a better understanding of the disease.
D.S.S. is a condition that affects the cerebral cortex of the brain. The cerebral cortex is the part of the brain that controls attention, perceptual awareness, thought, language, and consciousness. Though the disease is usually native to women, it can also be found in extremely gay men and is usually passed along from one D.S.S. sufferer to a woman with the genetic disposition to accept and carry the disease. Sufferers of D.S.S. seem to find their symptoms get more severe if they consume alcohol even in small amounts, or any sort of narcotic, or stimulant.
Women who want to know if they might suffer from D.S.S. can check for diagnostic symptoms below.
- Lack of knowledge about anything other than daytime TV shows
- Never saying anything about another person that isn’t negative
- Acute loss of reasoning skills
- Extreme bouts of confusion while driving
- Thinking that other people should care about your about friend Stacy’s dog
- An overwhelming need to see Europe because European men are “sophisticated”
- Carrying a 500 dollar handbag with no job
- Sudden loss of ability to censor what you say
- Saying a man is “lucky” that you gave him the time of day
- Sudden sense of entitlement and a feeling that the people around are “totally stupid” for not giving you things you did not earn.
Tell your doctor immediately if you feel you might be suffering from D.S.S. or you know somebody else who might be. Stop the spread of this contagious disease now. We know these women aren’t “asking” to be raped or abused, they are simply suffering from a sadly un-treatable disease.
So take a lesson from McClain- don’t go into Harlem with sign that says “I hate niggers.” Also, don’t go into a nightclub in a slutty dress filled with Mexicans who are trying to fuck you if you don’t want to get raped.
I am sick and tired of politically correct speech and people who use it. Trying to cleverly phrase what you are saying so that everybody universally will not get offended is horseshit. I am not buying it. You see, smart people can see right through the PC crowd’s little ruse. We still know what you are actually saying and trying to hide with your PC speech. You are not fooling us.
For the most part I don’t really understand PC speech. Why not just say what you actually mean instead of trying to water it down for public use? Fuck the public! If their little pussies get hurt when you call a spade a spade, then let them hurt. 99% of us would prefer it that way.
The worst part about PC speech is how the PC crowd has outlawed swearing and nudity on TV. What the hell is wrong with you people? Oh! I get it. Saying “that smells like a turd” is totally different than saying “that smells like shit!” We are so fucking clueless that we can’t in any way make the logical jump in our heads that what you actually intended to say and indeed even implied the word “shit” but you cleverly masked “shit’s” odor with the word turd. Bravo, you stupid bastard!
Then there is nudity on TV. Yes I know. We don’t want poor little Randy who is only 8 years old to see a pair of boobs on TV. He needs to earn it the old fashion way. By stealing dad’s porno mags from under his bed or going over to little Timmy’s house to watch mommy’s box of porn videos. Give me a break. You are protecting nothing by showing no nudity on TV, and just so you PC fuckers know…you are actually naked under your clothes. I swear! I am not making it up at all.
Let me try to translate some of this ridiculous and destructive PC speech for the PC crowd so in the future they know how to actually relay effective non watered down information.
Blacks are not “African American.” They are just American. If they are not Americans and are Africans then they are just Africans. There is a good reason not to call black people African American. One great reason is that a good many have no African roots and come instead from places like Jamaica. Also, I have noticed the PC crowd get all messed up when trying to describe somebody as a mixed race. Let me show you how this can be done easily and effectively. You always go with the fathers race as the primary and the mothers race as the secondary. So, if your dad was black and your mom was white you are “Half White.” On the other hand of your dad is white and your mom is black then you are “Half Black”. If your dad was from Jamaica and your mom was from Cuba, yet you were born in the states you are not “African American, Hispanic American, and American American.” You are a “half Mexican”. Why a Mexican, even though you are not from Mexico? Let me clue you in- whites can’t tell the fucking difference, plus it just makes your fucked up chronology easier to explain. By the way, calling a black man black is no more racist than calling a white man white. Stop worrying about it, you sissies.
Let me translate a few more of these that piss me off.
It is not a “Gay Pride Parade.” It is ”A bunch of faggots blocking traffic.” Don’t get mad at me, that’s what people actually call it. Who can blame them? Most of us don’t give a shit that you bang butt, it just pisses us off that you have to shut down traffic to explain it to us like we are too stupid to understand.
You are not a “Tolerant Feminist.” You are a “Fat chick that can’t get get dick.”
You are not a “Strong Black Woman.” You are “Hen-pecking bitch.”
You are not “Trans-gendered.” You are “A surgically-altered, mutilated, freak.”
You are not “Mobility challenged.” You are “Too fucking fat to push a cart.”
You are not “United Workers of the world.” You are “Fucking Communists.”
You not a “Sexual predator.” You are “A sick boy raper,” or good old-fashioned “rapist.”
You are not “An undocumented worker.” you are “A border hopping, illegal immigrant.”
You are not a “Free Spirit.” You are “A dip shit.”
The list goes on and on. You are not “Seasoned” you are “fucking old.” People need to deal with reality. The reality is the only type of people who get offended by the truth are the same people you can never get to accept it. So why bother placating them with PC speech? It is draining, useless, and who gives a shit? Fuck em! I am not going to alter the way I say things just to make your truth-denying ass feel better. I am not going to try to spare your retarded feelings by telling your drunk ass you have a disease. You don’t have a fucking disease, you just need to stop drinking!
You PC people make me sick. Get the fuck off of my highly exploitable planet right now. All you do is get in the way of social progress, and prevent truth tellers from telling the truth by trying to shame them into shutting up. You are scum !
I am so tired of hearing all of these pussies whining about guns. Guns kill people blah blah blah. So fucking what?! You silly pansy. I swear if I hear one more network talking head [who usually look like ugly lesbians....wait let me correct that- who are ugly lesbians] I will have to gas an entire shoe box full of yipping kittens. Why would I do that, you ask? What did the kitten ever do to me? NOTHING! Men don’t need a reason to kill random shit for our own amusement. Once again it looks like it falls to Unrighteousfury in all of his breath taking man beauty to set you dumb shits straight on this topic by using infallible logic.
Lets take a look at what pussies [oh I'm sorry, I meant society tweaking intellectuals] have to say on the subject, and then I will of course show you the many reasons their arguments resemble donkey abortions.
1. Our founders used muskets, they never could have envisioned that we would have things like AK47′s and AR15′s
You are so right dumbass! They also probably couldn’t have envisioned telephones, the internet, or movies! All of which are protected by the first amendment. I guess if it is speech it should be protected, but if it is guns NOOO! They should be regulated, and there should be background checks. Know what the founders did have access to? Gunpowder, heavy mortars, cannons, and grenades. Let’s look at the second amendment again, shall we?
A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed
Do you see anything that says “Shall not be infringed unless it is a cannon, mortar, or grenade”? Oh you don’t? Well then shut the fuck up girly man! The founders obviously wanted us to have serious firepower so we could blow the shit out of anything that looked at us cross eyed. Does that mean that I think you should go hunting with a cannon that shoots bowling balls in order to take out Bambi by a stream? Obsofuckinglutely! If you can get it out there, take the shot, and kill the fuzzy bastard then more power to you!
2. We need background checks because we don’t want dangerous people to get guns.
Dangerous people have access to all of the other rights don’t they? Did Hitler use a gun to take over the government in his country? NO! He used fucking words! I say words are far more dangerous yet have far less regulation. Why? Because people are pussies that’s why! Dirty bearded slits, a bunch of vertical monkey mouths! Dangerous people already have tons of access to guns! Or do you think an 18 year old fresh out of high school who is taught to say “Yes sir!” to every order, and is trained to a physical peak is somebody “Safe?” If you do, then you are most likely a moron and should be bludgeoned nearly to death and left atop an ant hill with heavily sugared syrup poured on your head.
3.What about the children?
I have no idea where this stupid idea that children’s lives are more important than adult lives came from but it is just fucking silly. The very same people that want to regulate guns are all for women assassinating their child in their womb, but if the child gets shot outside the whom well…..that’s just wrong!
Learn the difference assholes. There is a certain way children must be assassinated!
4. The Europeans can’t have guns or heavily regulate them and there is way less crime.
All that this means is that Europeans are morons! I bet the Jews getting gassed in the camps wished they had guns, or the millions in Soviet Gulags. Hey you know what though? Fuck it! There’s less gun crime right?
Moving on, let’s talk about the coolness factor of guns. It is a well proven fact that attractive women are far more likely to have lots of sex with men who are heavily armed. Men who smoke and also have guns double in coolness. While men who drink, smoke, and shoot guns triple in coolness.
I see you are skeptical, well just take a look for yourself.
Now honestly ladies which one do you want to bone more?
As you can clearly see, holding a gun makes you instantly more boneable. So look guys, don’t listen to the 1% of women you are trying to impress by being anti-gun. Make a stand now! Tell them you want to shoot into the sky while they are pleasing you. Trust me no chick wants a pussy….unless they are already fucked up!
Lets look at some practical and scientific data explaining the awesomeness of guns. Below you will find a simple math equation anybody can follow.
On the other hand,
Look, if you are some kind of anti-gun pussy that’s fine. I don’t give a shit! When the zombie apocalypse comes you will cover my get away because I will Shane-shoot you in the fucking leg while I make good my escape. On the other hand, if you are tired of never getting laid, looking like a dork, and sick of having to suppress your man urge to waste cuddly critters, you should leave the pussy side of the force immediately.
It pisses me off to no end when some asshole decides to say hello, or goodbye to me in another language, especially one they don’t know!
You know the fucking people I’m talking about. You will say something like “Good morning Fred.” and they will say some bullshit like “Buenos Dias.” Hey Fred, do you know spanish? No you don’t know spanish you dildo, so stop pretending you are suddenly cultured by greeting in a language you don’t know, in order to impress me with how “cultured” you are.
While you are at it don’t say Konichiwa, Aloha, Hola, Ciao or any other bullshit. Let me break this down for the Freds of the world.
Learn the fucking difference between the two.
You fuckers aren’t fooling anybody! You are not cultured and awesome because you picked up one line in a foreign language.
Then we have these other assholes here!
No asshole, you aren’t! That female server probably spent 3 months in the belly of a cross continental smuggling vessel getting raped 12 times a day. Then she probably got sold the second she hit U.S soil to some perv who kept her in his basement for a year putting cigarettes out on her nipples. She probably was only freed just two weeks ago by police.
Yet here you are, Fred! Trying to order sweet and sour chicken in Mandarin Chinese when the bitch speaks Cantonese! She isn’t impressed, Fred. She just wants you to eat your fucking food and get the hell out of her shop so she can go home and cry herself to sleep.
But here is Fred all “Ching chong pang pong” and the server looks at him like “What the fuck are you smoking you fat white fuck?”
Speak your own fucking language unless you actually know another one, you poser dick heads! Nobody thinks you are cute, or cultured. Just say hello in the fucking morning!
Oh, and all you stupid bitches who say “Ciao!” or “Ciao Bella!” Just because you carry last season’s Prada handbag does not mean you don’t look like an asshole when you try to speak Italian! Hit yourself in the head with a blunt object.
Satanists are a very amusing breed of people. We all knew one or two of them in high school. You know the kids I am talking about- the unattractive, loser dumbass that dressed all in black and wore a pentagram necklace in a vain attempt to creep you out.
You know, these guys.
The first thing that should be understood about the premise of satanism is that it is very, very,very, stupid. Why in the hell would you want to worship the losing team? Satan isn’t even all that powerful an angel to tell the truth. He is of the cherubim choir of angel. Don’t know what that is? Let me show you how artists usually draw cherub angels so you understand what these clowns worship.
Now if it were me, and I was trying to find a dark lord to worship I don’t think cupid up there would make the cut. No, I need my dark lords to be a little more… evil, and a whole shit ton less gay!
Which brings to me to my new favorite group, the GBLT Thule Society. You can find them here http://gblt.webs.com/index.htm
Who are the GBLT Thule Society, you ask? Well, they are a group of gay, satanic, neo- nazis that believe Hitler thought queers were awesome and had them over for late night picnics where they would drink wine and blow each other.
How scary and evil are the GBLT Thule Society? Lets take a look at their forum rules for a frightening look at this absolutely terrifying group.
1. We know Satan and his Demons are real beings. If you are LaVeyan, or feel otherwise, do not push your beliefs here.
So unlike Lavey- a well known and very bald satanist who didn’t believe Satan was real, these guys want to let you know HE IS! If you aren’t satanic enough to understand that Satan is real and has a very real army of bow-wielding cupids, then don’t push your shit on their forum. Understand, asshole?
2. People who sympathise with and/or support the enemies of Satan- Jews, Christians and Muslims WILL BE BANNED!
That’s right boys and girls. If you are an enemy of the GBLTTS’s evil dark lord they won’t curse you, hex you, or kill you. They will, however, make sure that your opinion is blocked from their dark domain FOREVER MUHAHAHAHA!
3. Blasphemy against Satan and/or his Demons will not be tolerated!
YES! I am sure now. It’s all so clear. Satan, the ruler of hell who started a rebellion in heaven against God and is surrounded by powerful demons needs a butt-pounding white supremacist to be offended on his behalf. How do you not tolerate a person who says something like…well, like this:
“Satan is a dumb shit, who got his gay cherub ass beat by a straight testosterone-filled angel named Michael who is a seraphim, not a pussy cherub like Satan.”
Are you going to ban me from your forum? Please don’t. The gay, nazi, satanic agenda is very important to me.
4. If you believe Satan and his Demons are evil, this is not the group for you, find another.
That’s right! Don’t you people understand that Satan has been the proven force of good in the world for the last seven thousand years? All these little cherubic bastards want to do is fill you full of love arrows! Especially if you are a gay neo-nazi- HAHAHA! I never get tired of saying that…gay neo-nazi. You might as well just call yourselves gay oxymorons.
5. Do not try to push Wiccan or other non-Satanic creeds here.
Yeah, assholes! This is for hard core Homosexual-neonazi-Satanists ONLY! We don’t believe in that stupid Wiccan religion, what a bunch of nonsense that is.
6. Do not try to promote individuals, groups or organizations who bash the Joy of Satan. Your posts will be deleted and you will be banned.
That would be me I guess. Interesting that it happens so much these guys made a rule for it.
7. Anyone who posts advocating anything illegal will be banned.
That’s right! The GBLTTS’s group of evil-worshiping satanists follow the law! They don’t do illegal shit or advocate any illegal activities at all. That is not how their dark lord rolls! He is all about truth, justice, and the American way. They use their dark powers and their forces of evil to rescue small drowning children, and to make sure old ladies can cross the street. Last year they raised $10,000 through their league of shadows fund to help bring awareness to animal cruelty everywhere!
This next rule is my favorite
8. Please be polite- flaming will not be tolerated.
I could literally write 8 blogs worth of material on just this one line, but for now we will just leave it with the obvious question.. What the fuck do poo pushing satanists do except flame?
I know this group of evil doers is scary and they obviously have a well thought out plan to lead their dark forces into the light and consume the world of goodness.
I won’t allow that to happen. Right here, right now I am challenging High Priest Jake Carlson and High Priest Mageson of the GBLTTS to a UFC cage fight. Both of you against one of me. Finally, the age old question shall be answered. Can a video game nerd [that would be me] take on not just one, but two gay-neo-nazi-Satanists? Men have been pondering that question since the dawn of time, and now is our chance to find out.
The world is waiting for your answer. Now stop cutting yourself and take the challenge.
I can’t believe it is 2012 and women are still actually following the dying religion that is feminism. Leave it to a woman to follow an obviously failed ideology for most of her life.
There have been many good articles about why feminism sucks in general, but I thought maybe I could reach out to feminists and save them from themselves. Now, I know many men out there think they can cure feminists by inserting their penis into one and humping the stupid out of them, but I am here to tell you it doesn’t work. Slapping them across their face doesn’t work either, because feminists are cowardly hypocrites that want equal rights until they get punched in the face. Then all of a sudden they say “I am a girl! I can’t believe he hit a girl!” Well believe it darlin’. That is how men get treated- with barbarism and ass kicking!
First, lets be honest. Women are not equal to men. It all comes down to 1 word, Testosterone! We have more of it and it makes us literally better at everything. It makes us faster, stronger, smarter and able to kick the average [and above average] woman’s ass if we decide the blood her nose produces goes good with our satin tie.
Feminists are the destroyers of the natural world. They actually think women are equal to men….I know, crazy isn’t it?
I decided I would point out (using my testosterone-filled man brain that beats the crap out of a feminist’s with one hand tied behind it’s back while enjoying a bowl of soup) why feminism is stupid and hypocritical.
First, let us examine the real reason feminists are upset. I pulled this picture from feminist.com showing their members and supporters to illustrate what the gripe really is. I circled the faces of the ones I wouldn’t have sex with. I also highlighted the one who’s sexuality is in question.
As you can clearly see, I would have zero sex with any of these women regardless of liquor intake. Since I am a very attractive man, I assume that other very attractive men also won’t have sex with them. Which puts them into the unfuckable category.
To be perfectly honest, if I couldn’t have sex with an attractive woman again for the rest of my life I would probably kill myself [hint hint]. These miserable creatures, though, decided that since they couldn’t have a decent man they would try to torture men to death instead using incessant bitching and their silly right to vote.
I want to reach out these women and try to help them get past their obvious physical shortcoming so that they no longer have an emotionally stunted existence filled with bitching and moaning about how oppressed women are, while leaving out how depressed men are having to hear about it. Below are a few tips to the women over at feminist.com to help them reach their obvious goal of attracting a smart and handsome man.
1. Lose some weight porkies.
For gods sakes your woman bodies are hideous. Do you switch off between bitching on the loud mic and stuffing cream filled treats into your mouths? How in the hell do you manage to scream about equality without your blood sugar bottoming out? I would also like to know how the shit you burn your bras with pudgy hands. Isn’t hard to work the Bic?
It isn’t that fat chicks aren’t allowed to have some love- they are! The problem you Fem creatures have is that fat chicks can usually get boned because they are really cool to hang out with, thus making up for their fatness and counter-acting a hot male’s general disgust at even being around them. Fem creatures are not cool to hang out with because they have no sense of humor and, well…they are fem creatures. Who wants to hang out with a bitch all day- especially a fat one?
2. Have you thought about plastic surgery? You should have by now because your faces look like they were pulled off by draft horses then sewn back on by leather face. At least wear some more make up or something. For the love of god do you actually like getting seen in public looking like that?
3. Stop burning your bras! Seriously stop it! Trust me when I tell you that you need them.
Now you might be thinking “Hey Unrighteousfury, you prick, maybe these hogs from aboutfeminist.com are gross and unboneable but that doesn’t mean most feminists aren’t attractive!
Really? Lets take a look shall we. Here are some pics of some of the most famous fem creatures of all time.
Think I hand picked these women? Think again.
Any feminist I have looked up is an ugly old hog. Look for yourself.
Feminists are the left overs. They are the women that get upset that other women have hot men and try to convince them it is wrong by telling them that being with a man is shackling. The truth is they are pissed off that you have a man that is willing to sleep with you. It is as simple as that.
Let me tell you where the feminist ideal really starts to fail though. You see, technology is all that allows women to have any real intrinsic value on society. They can type, and do some basic math for accounting- oh and lets not forget most teachers are women [yuck]. Look how well that has worked for our young.
Think women can do more, do you? That’s because you never looked at the statistics. A whopping 83% of engineering degrees are earned by men, while women get useless degrees in the arts. That’s right! Men are out there building shit like bridges and spaceships. It’s time women just came out and said the truth. It isn’t that you don’t want to work on engineering projects you just can’t! Anybody who has ever seen a woman try to build something knows instinctively that it is going to be a fail! How many female mechanics would you take your car to? That’s what I thought.
Sooner or later the technological clock is going to go back to zero. Either a cataclysmic event will happen, or a man made event will happen, but rest assured it will happen. Technology will one day [and probably soon] collapse. When that happens men are going to begin to look at women like we used to. Simply put, how much value is a feminist going to bring to the table when technology fails? Let’s find out.
The first value a woman will have in a post apocalyptic society will of course be her sex appeal. As we have plainly seen feminists don’t have any.
The second value will be a woman’s ability to birth children and be a good mother. Feminists selfishly believe that children are burdensome to women [like women have so much more to offer]. Because of this, feminists have lost their mommy instinct. Men pick up on that, just so you fem creatures know. If you have no sex appeal or ability to be a good mom, men will just pass right by you [kinda like they do now].
The third thing men will look for is obedience from their women. I can almost see the fems shivering at the mere mention of this quality. Think about it though, why should I protect you from marauding men, psychopaths, and the elements if you can’t suck up to me a little bit, ok…well maybe a lot.
Yup! When the technological clock goes back to zero fems will be fucked, and not in a good way. I just don’t see what value they will bring to the table. A fem might say “We will build our own female communes that are self sufficient and do our own hunting and grow our own food.” Fine. That will work out perfectly until a band of marauding testosterone filled men decide to take it from you. Guess what? There won’t be a damn thing you can do about it either.
In today’s society you are only just tolerated not liked. In a post apocalyptic society you will be worse than useless. I am here to help you, though, fem creatures. I know…. BIG HEART! I have included some pictures below to help you on your hopefully new found quest to be the subservient, child bearing, man obeying, woman you have the potential to be.
Step 1: Practice sucking now!
Step 2: Learn how to carry our shit like the mule you will be.
Step 3: Shut the fuck up!
Welp, good luck to ya. I hope these tricks and tips can help the feminist movement going forward. Even if you decide not to follow them now make a mental note…sooner or later…
Why the crap does MSNBC feel the need to have nothing but ugly, whiny, shit head commentators on their networks? How in the world anything with a pair of testicles can watch this shit without going to the kitchen, grabbing out a knife, and cutting out their own still beating heart is beyond me.
Don’t get me wrong, the news on MSNBC is great. I just don’t know why they can’t hire commentators that don’t make me physically ill on sight. Let me try to explain this formula to MSNBC so that they can make the necessary changes and maybe even get some men to watch their network again.
Note: I tried to save your eyes from this horror by making the picture of Maddow as small as I could.
I don’t know how MSNBC missed the memo that men are much more willing to listen to what you have to say if you are hot. While Megyn is obviously up to par, Maddow up there looks like the one woman in the club that even the creepy, gross, Mexican dude in the corner with the molester half mustache can’t bring himself- drunk as he is- to say anything to.
You could try to make the argument, I guess, that they are trying to appeal to females but that is just a shitty business model. Come on! How many women do you know that actually follow the news? Two..maybe three? Men watch the news, and they don’t want to see dikes with wide brimmed glasses giving their opinions on womens reproductive health like she knows what the fuck she is talking about! When you play rug doctor with your crevice-cleaning girlfriend like she does, I don’t think you need to worry too much about getting pregnant.
Is it really any wonder that nobody wants to watch your pussy programing MSNBC? Or that your ratings are dropping faster than a prom dress?
Look at these fucking hosts. They look like the perfect line up of assholes you probably beat the crap out of and made fun of in high school while they pined after your hot cheerleader girlfriend. Well I guess they really showed their bullies, didn’t they? After spending tens of thousands of dollars on Ivy League educations they can now disgust their bullies to death by showing up on their TV screens night after night bitching about how evil their SUV is. Take that! You jock asshole with the hot girlfriend!
Here is another of my favorites,
Yup, when men get home from a hard day at work the thing they want the most is to watch a fat, irate fuck bitch about inequality. Ed is like the fat missing link. He is the Darwinian proof that the right wing has needed all of these years to prove without a doubt that evolution is a failed theory because Ed even exists. This guy claims he had a revelation to become a liberal while eating a bologna sandwich. The sandwich part I can understand, if you watch this turd on a high def tv, you can actually see the sweat gathering under his jowls. When big, fat, rich, white men start talking about equality I can’t help but laugh. Call me crazy.
Then finally we have this turd.
Asshole Lawrence up there [HAH his name is Lawrence what a tool] has a show on MSNBC called “Last Word with Lawrence O’ Fuck Face.” He should have, of course, immediately changed the name to “Can’t Get a Word In with Lawrence O’ Fuck Face,” but I guess that wouldn’t be good marketing [something MSNBC obviously doesn't know how to do, hence my soft penis while watching their programming.] Lawrence up there is a self described socialist who stands in the mirror every day trying to master his scary face in case he manages to book an evil, rich, white guy who owns a gun on his show. Then he sternly attempts to talk down to them via monitor because he is to chicken shit to tell them to their faces how he really feels. What a pussy!
MSNBC has had some sort of strange marketing campaign going on called “leaning forward” where they let these walking scrotums tell you all about how you need to lean forward while the government no lube fucks you in the ass! Below I have created a video for your watching amusement on my youtube page explaining this campaign in all of it’s glory.
Well the gay marriage thing is back with a vengeance. Republican contenders for president are raging about keeping marriage pure to keep their base of conservative pretenders in line. The whole thing makes me want to drink ipecac and vomit spasmodically after eating chilly cheese dogs all over Santorum and Romney’s face!
Don’t get me wrong, I am no huge fan of the gay community and their stupid parades that shut down traffic so we can all watch nipple-pierced, balding, ass fuckers in tight leather carry boom boxes 80′s style on their shoulders with shitty club music playing. Or we are treated to lesbians who put a lie to every thing I learned watching pornos as a kid. Lesbians are supposed to be fucking hot blond bitches with big boobs that seductively invite the pizza guy to be the baloney in the sandwich they are all about to make. Instead we are treated to to women that make us think “I don’t think a fifth of Jack would keep ol’ winky awake trying to fuck her, she looks like a god damn out of shape marine.”
All of that aside though….who gives a fuck if faggots get married? Just look at the stupid arguments for wanting to ban gay marriage.
We need to keep marriage pure.
This is an especially stupid argument. I don’t want to even begin to try to describe the things I do with my future wife in the bedroom, but I can guarantee you that making a vow to God on an alter doesn’t make them pure.
God doesn’t like gays. So what? He doesn’t like you in all probability either. In fact, his master plan is to allow a demon from hell to take over the earth and butcher the group of people that worship him so he can send his son in to save them all. I mean, really think about that. If a firefighter set fire to a house so he could then go in to rescue the people in it, he would be thrown in prison for the rest of life. Then, the same people who claim to be Christians would say, “Give that fucker the death penalty.”
I don’t want my kids exposed to gay couples making out and holding hands in the street. So fucking what, you glistening ebony tool! I don’t want my kids to have to see fat straight people walking in the street stuffing their mouth full of food in the sweltering summer heat. Unfortunately, they have a fundamental right to be disgusting fucks and so do queers. Tell your kids to stop being pussies, their life is gonna be full of way worse shit then two members of the same sex making out on the street!
Finally my favorite argument of all,
If you legalize gay marriage, thus changing the definition of marriage, what is stopping somebody from marrying a pig, or a goat?
Nothing. Nothing at all. Who gives a shit about that either? Oh, whats that? You want to try to make some moral argument that marrying and fucking a pig is wrong and disgusting? That is because you are stupid! I have personally shot in the face and gutted pretty much every kind of animal that exists and I can personally tell you that all of them would much rather be raped by Bubba in a wedding dress then to have their balls cut off in a slaughter house with no sedative. They would probably prefer it to being hung upside down while still alive and having their throat cuts in front of their families too, all so that the meat can get to you and your family, and your kid can bitch that he doesn’t want to eat your freshly made awesome pork chop so you throw the fucking shit away anyhow. Go fuck a horse, a cow, a sheep, a goddamn gopher. I don’t care. Put little dresses on them and get married to them. Fuck animals! Silly bastards are only useful to me for eating and shooting anyway.
I don’t ever want to hear from anybody ever again that people who commit bestiality should go to jail, while these same people consume assassinated animal flesh like it is going out of style. Fucking hypocrites.
Eat your meat, fuck your meat, fuck a dude, I don’t give a shit what you assholes do. You all make me physically ill.
I am so sick and tired of the garbage that passes for children’s books these days. You know what I am talking about- bullshit books like “How Howie the Hog Got Over His Bad Mood.” Fuck you and your mood, Howie the Hog. You can eat my ass! When a little kid is in a bad mood every parent on the planet knows the appropriate response!
I decided that I am going to write my own book series about a kid named “Ass Kicker Jack.” Ass Kicker Jack has ass kicking parents that don’t turn poor Jack into a 21st century girly boy that crosses his legs in skinny jeans. No fucking way! Jack’s parents teach ol’ Jack how to not take shit from the establishment, and to handle his problems like a real man, not a little whiny bitch!
Book 1: “Ass Kicker Jack and the Bully.”
Jack doesn’t reason with bullies. Jack doesn’t tell his teachers about bullies. Jack doesn’t get a machine gun from his house and shoot up a school because he was bullied. Here is what Jack does to bullies:
There needs to be more books about how to really handle the bully thing. I remember being bullied one day and telling my Dad, “Dad this mean kid at the bus stop keeps hitting me.” My Dad’s response was- “Well kick his fucking ass between his shoulders.” Yup, my Dad was cool.
Book 2: “Ass Kicker Jack Fucks His Teacher, and Doesn’t Tell Anybody.”
I get especially upset when I see stories of some 15 or 16 year old kid turning in their teacher after they have sex with them. These kids should be punched in the face. They aren’t traumatized! They don’t go home after getting a BJ from Mrs. Smith and cry into their pillow. Yet these poor women have to go to actual prison and face real rape, and real pain.
Well, Jack sees it the same way I do. He may bang the crap out of his hot ass 35 year old teacher, but he ain’t tellin’ nobody! He will show your little mistake how they can be a real man and not destroy some poor bimbo’s life for giving him the one thing that will actually let him focus on his math problems for at least fifteen minutes.
Book 3: “Ass Kicker Jack Gets an F and Deals With It”.
See that? When you are a dumbass, you get F’s. All kinds of parents out there think their kids are too smart to get F’s, so it must be the teacher’s fault. Well Jack has news for you- one in two kids is a complete babbling moron who deserves the F. Seriously, if you can’t get through the material they teach at the grade school or even high school level and get an F, you probably deserve it.
In this book you can see the exciting adventure of Jack as he gets a big, fat, red, capital F on his paper and then goes home and owns up to it. Jack doesn’t blame his teachers, or his peers, or his hormones- only himself. Read all about his father’s epic “I am disappointed in you Jack, are you some kind of moron?” speech, while he tears poor Jack’s hide with a tongue lashing that almost leaves marks.
Book 4: “Ass Kicker Jack Beats the Crap Out of the Goth Kids.”
Read the compelling story of Jack at his most intolerant. Jack doesn’t understand kids that cut themselves, worship Satin, wear makeup, yet can’t hold their liquor. These qualities make Jack and his tight click of jock winners mad for reasons they have trouble articulating.
Jack and his friends will explore in this book the many ways these kids should be horribly beaten, trash canned, and generally slapped around. I know it may make some out there feel better to know that Jack ends up a gas station attendant while the goth kid goes on to write a computer program that makes him millions, but that isn’t what happens. The goth kid lands a job at hot topic where soon after he is committed for attempted suicide, even though he cut his wrists the wrong way on purpose as a “cry for help.” Jack, on the other hand, leads his football team to victory during the big game, and gets a sports contract. 20 years later he is still on Wheaties boxes and made a successful bid for Congress.
All books will be available for $100 us for hardcover [After all, I can charge what I want. Jack's exploits are worth it.] I guarantee after a few readings your son will know how to walk around not being a total pussy, and will burn all of his “Gregory the Gay Goat” books immediately.
Well, the end of the world is coming [again]. This time it’s on December 21st, 2012 and everybody wants to know….whats gonna happen? While I don’t know for sure what will happen (I suspect NOTHING will) just in case some serious planetary annihilation type of shit does go down though, people are going to want to know “What the hell am I supposed to do?” I wrote down some universal guidelines for surviving an apocalypse.
Rule number 1.
While I don’t know exactly why, post-apocalyptic survivors never seem to be decked out in military style camouflage, wearing useful Kevlar armor. Instead, they opt for skintight leather, ass-less chaps, and boots I wouldn’t want to hike very far in.
Why worry about useful things like travel backpacks, carrying medicine, camping gear, lighters, rope, etc. No way, my friends. All you need for sure is an overly large leather holster attached to your leg, capable of holding a sawed off double barrel shotgun. The important lesson here is don’t think to hard about silly things like gear. Looking as cool as possible in the afternoon sun while walking solo down a desolate highway is far more important.
Rule number 2.
Have an evil ex that you always wanted to waste? An annoying neighbor who blasted his music too loud one day? Just want to kill somebody to see how it feels? Now is your big chance. The law may not be on your side, but hey! Good thing there is no more law. If apocalyptic movies have taught us anything it’s that trying to be moral in a crisis is stupid.
Load up them guns and start thinning out the herd. Hell you are probably sparing them from a horrible end due to a rock slide, or some such nonsense anyway.
Or you can be the token psycho, who lost your family when the horrible apocalypse came, now taking out your anger and aggression on the rest of the world by putting your foot on some poor guy’s throat, and pumping a few 45s into his skull! For full effect make sure members of their family’s are watching. Throwing in a little rape might not hurt your image either.
Rule number 3.
Why carry around some stupid survival guide on how to catch small game, and which bugs are good to eat, when you have the ultimate food source right in front of you?
Not sure how good a human will taste? Neither am I. I am sure, though, they probably taste better than bugs and grass.
These are desperate times! How can you possibly be held responsible for eating a few people? Your job is to keep the human race going, and a post apocalyptic world is perfect to test out survival of the fittest. If they are weaker than you, dumber than you, or you just happen to get the drop on them, you better start learning how to gut a human out like a fucking dear.
Rule number 4.
Trust me- you don’t want to be the guy in the peaceful village. You want to be the guy that cruises in on one of the few post apocalyptic Harleys still in existence, swinging a large chain, terrorizing the innocent, and stealing the women. Don’t be the pussy left crying after their family is ravaged by an evil gang. Be the evil gang doing the ravaging!
You might be wondering what kind of disasters you may have to face in 2012. Let me tell you some of the most popular theories and why I don’t give a shit about any of them.
This biblically spoken about meteor is supposed to smash into the surface of the earth wiping out 2/3 of life instantly, and blocking out the sun for an indefinite period of time.
Reason I don’t care: If this meteor actually existed and crashed into the earth, I have a 2 in 3 chance of being killed instantly. If I am “lucky enough” not to die instantly, I face slow starvation and vitamin deficiency leading to death from lack of sunlight.There is also the very real possibility of zombies [not sure how, but it makes sense to me]. The real question you should be asking yourself isn’t “How could I be lucky enough to have survived that?” but “Why wasn’t I lucky enough to die when it hit”?
Reason I don’t care: One of these things is supposedly what wiped out the dinosaurs. I have seen Jurassic park, and if this thing could take out dinosaurs, humans have no chance. Do yourself a favor if one of these erupts, grab some beer, a lawn chair, and hope the magma explosion kills your ass before the smoke inhalation does.
There are many more theories, but these two have the best chance of actually happening. Hopefully after reading my guide and the universal rules you will be better prepared for the horrors that lay outside of your survival bunker.
Let me close by telling you the reason you shouldn’t care about 2012 either,
It is fucking baffling to me that people take what a bunch of shirtless, bone pierced, human-sacrificing Indians said seriously! What the fuck is wrong with people? If you saw savages that looked like this on a street corner preaching about the end of the world you would call the police.
“OOOOOO the Mayan calendar ends in 2012 blah blah blah…” the calendar on my fridge has been hanging there since 2010 and it ended too. If I started preaching that my calender ending meant the end of the world, would you only take me seriously if I ate a human heart, and stuck a monkey femur through my nose, while dancing shirtless to a sun god?
It’s nice they mastered math, science, and pyramid building, yet somehow couldn’t bring their weapons technology out of the “I smack you with a stick” era. They might still be alive if they did, and probably should have prophesied that inventing the sword before the pyramid might be a good idea.