Unrighteousfuries ultimate 2012 survival guide.
Well, the end of the world is coming [again]. This time it’s on December 21st, 2012 and everybody wants to know….whats gonna happen? While I don’t know for sure what will happen (I suspect NOTHING will) just in case some serious planetary annihilation type of shit does go down though, people are going to want to know “What the hell am I supposed to do?” I wrote down some universal guidelines for surviving an apocalypse.
Rule number 1.
While I don’t know exactly why, post-apocalyptic survivors never seem to be decked out in military style camouflage, wearing useful Kevlar armor. Instead, they opt for skintight leather, ass-less chaps, and boots I wouldn’t want to hike very far in.
Why worry about useful things like travel backpacks, carrying medicine, camping gear, lighters, rope, etc. No way, my friends. All you need for sure is an overly large leather holster attached to your leg, capable of holding a sawed off double barrel shotgun. The important lesson here is don’t think to hard about silly things like gear. Looking as cool as possible in the afternoon sun while walking solo down a desolate highway is far more important.
Rule number 2.
Have an evil ex that you always wanted to waste? An annoying neighbor who blasted his music too loud one day? Just want to kill somebody to see how it feels? Now is your big chance. The law may not be on your side, but hey! Good thing there is no more law. If apocalyptic movies have taught us anything it’s that trying to be moral in a crisis is stupid.
Load up them guns and start thinning out the herd. Hell you are probably sparing them from a horrible end due to a rock slide, or some such nonsense anyway.
Or you can be the token psycho, who lost your family when the horrible apocalypse came, now taking out your anger and aggression on the rest of the world by putting your foot on some poor guy’s throat, and pumping a few 45s into his skull! For full effect make sure members of their family’s are watching. Throwing in a little rape might not hurt your image either.
Rule number 3.
Why carry around some stupid survival guide on how to catch small game, and which bugs are good to eat, when you have the ultimate food source right in front of you?
Not sure how good a human will taste? Neither am I. I am sure, though, they probably taste better than bugs and grass.
These are desperate times! How can you possibly be held responsible for eating a few people? Your job is to keep the human race going, and a post apocalyptic world is perfect to test out survival of the fittest. If they are weaker than you, dumber than you, or you just happen to get the drop on them, you better start learning how to gut a human out like a fucking dear.
Rule number 4.
Trust me- you don’t want to be the guy in the peaceful village. You want to be the guy that cruises in on one of the few post apocalyptic Harleys still in existence, swinging a large chain, terrorizing the innocent, and stealing the women. Don’t be the pussy left crying after their family is ravaged by an evil gang. Be the evil gang doing the ravaging!
You might be wondering what kind of disasters you may have to face in 2012. Let me tell you some of the most popular theories and why I don’t give a shit about any of them.
This biblically spoken about meteor is supposed to smash into the surface of the earth wiping out 2/3 of life instantly, and blocking out the sun for an indefinite period of time.
Reason I don’t care: If this meteor actually existed and crashed into the earth, I have a 2 in 3 chance of being killed instantly. If I am “lucky enough” not to die instantly, I face slow starvation and vitamin deficiency leading to death from lack of sunlight.There is also the very real possibility of zombies [not sure how, but it makes sense to me]. The real question you should be asking yourself isn’t “How could I be lucky enough to have survived that?” but “Why wasn’t I lucky enough to die when it hit”?
Reason I don’t care: One of these things is supposedly what wiped out the dinosaurs. I have seen Jurassic park, and if this thing could take out dinosaurs, humans have no chance. Do yourself a favor if one of these erupts, grab some beer, a lawn chair, and hope the magma explosion kills your ass before the smoke inhalation does.
There are many more theories, but these two have the best chance of actually happening. Hopefully after reading my guide and the universal rules you will be better prepared for the horrors that lay outside of your survival bunker.
Let me close by telling you the reason you shouldn’t care about 2012 either,
It is fucking baffling to me that people take what a bunch of shirtless, bone pierced, human-sacrificing Indians said seriously! What the fuck is wrong with people? If you saw savages that looked like this on a street corner preaching about the end of the world you would call the police.
“OOOOOO the Mayan calendar ends in 2012 blah blah blah…” the calendar on my fridge has been hanging there since 2010 and it ended too. If I started preaching that my calender ending meant the end of the world, would you only take me seriously if I ate a human heart, and stuck a monkey femur through my nose, while dancing shirtless to a sun god?
It’s nice they mastered math, science, and pyramid building, yet somehow couldn’t bring their weapons technology out of the “I smack you with a stick” era. They might still be alive if they did, and probably should have prophesied that inventing the sword before the pyramid might be a good idea.